Vaughn’s Guide to Dating a Scorpio

“Ahh, home. Let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you.” – Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

Blogs can be a little silly, I have to admit. I have a lot of friends who have them, and they tend to settle into either blogging about their personal lives, reviewing various creative works they’ve come across, or commenting in some fashion on the state of the world. I never feel comfortable with the final category because I don’t feel I’m enough of an authority to talk about drones or the national debt or gun control or whatever other hot button issue is guaranteed to drive up my view count. Besides, who the hell cares about what a gay urban fantasy writer thinks about all that? I’m grateful that I live in a country where I have the right to speak out about all of that, but honestly, I don’t see how my opinion would carry the same weight as someone more qualified.

“But Vaughn”, I imagine you say, “what the fuck does that have to do with the title of this blog entry?” I’m glad I imagined you asked.

I had my natal chart done once and freaked the lady who did it out, seeing as I had seven things or something in Scorpio when I was born, so she jokingly told me that I’m a “quintessential Scorpio”. For those of you who are readying some skeptic comments already, I write about sorcerers who work the overdue desk at the public library, dragons who work as fry cooks, and unicorns that sell cigarettes and lotto tickets, is writing about astrology really that much of a stretch? 😉

On my old blog I used to have a semi-regular feature called a “tip of the day for living with a Scorpio”, and now that I’m in a relationship again, I’m realizing a few things that I figure I could share. I write gay relationships and I’ve been in a few of them myself, and being a “quintessential Scorpio” (like it says in my bio) I figure this is at least one thing I can speak with a little bit of authority on, or at least fake it. So here we go…

To every guy I dated in my twenties: I’m sorry. I was kind of a dick. With the benefit of time and psychic distance I now see how I definitely played a hand in things getting screwed up. I’m not taking all the blame, but definitely my fair share of it.

The above statement is something that I believe every Scorpio will likely come to when he (we’ll use the masculine pronoun for this, since I’m a guy and all) reaches his thirties and his self-awareness fully kicks in. One magic summer will go by, we turn into thirtysomethings, take a look back and realize “My god, I was an asshole back then.”

Sure, we have inklings in our twenties. Self-awareness is the calling card of Scorpios, after all. If you make the decision to date one, there are a few things you should probably know about.

1. We Already Know How We Want To Be Treated

Ever wish your boyfriend came with a manual? A simple guide so you’d know from the get-go what they like and don’t like, whether they’ll forget your anniversary, pet peeves, sleeping style, argument habits, etc.? A Scorpio likely already has one in his head, and he’s happy to share it if you ask him. Depending on how many relationships he’s been through, he’s likely run through everything that worked and didn’t work for him before with the proper emotional distance. Chances are he might not even know he’s doing it, and he might even be reluctant to share information at all. It might be because we’re secretive, dark, or mysterious, which we love for everyone to believe (because it gets us laid), but the real reason is…

2. We All Have Trust Issues

Doesn’t matter how it happened, who did it, or why, but somewhere along the line we decided that our trust had to be earned, and it will likely piss you off when you see how hard we make you earn it while we freely give it to some guy we met twenty minutes ago. There are levels of trust, what you’ll trust people with and for how long, and we subconsciously do a lot of that. Unfortunately, it makes us come off as dicks, mostly because it can be a dick move to suspect the person you share your bed with while trusting a complete stranger with what’s usually guarded information.

In our teens and twenties, like most people, we can be pretty free with “I love you”, but “I trust you” can be harder for us to say. As a Scorpio gets older, we put a premium on both of the Three Words until they’re essentially synonymous. And when we get burned, it can take us longer to get back on our feet, and you’ll notice how easy it is for us to freeze people out. This is one of the reasons, you’ll notice, that we don’t have a large group of friends, or even friends per se. Generally, we have a family that we add and subtract members from, and we hold grudges as well as any family. (Yes, the stereotype is true, we will hold a grudge over a petty slight for years if we need to, even when we ourselves know it’s ridiculous to do so.) This is why…

3. We Seem To Prefer Long Distance Relationships

Behold! The Long Distance Relationship!

You’d be amazed how well a Scorp can do a distance relationship. We happily can jump into one in our twenties, and even our thirties (though with the latter, we usually require an expiration date to the distance), and the primary reason is this: A distance relationship is like a fridge.

I can already tell I’m losing some people here, allow me to explain. To a Scorpio, a long distance relationship is something they only have to put a certain amount of time into, whenever they want. Sure, they actually do care about the person on the other end of the line, but in an LDR, it’s all too easy to text or IM that you’re feeling sick and just aren’t up to talking that night, and then you go watch porn or play CoD or whatever else you wanted to do instead of relationship stuff, and there’s almost never a problem. The Scorpio gets to control when he opens the door, takes out what comfort food he wants, and then close it, and everything stays preserved in the meantime. The Scorpio can approach the fridge however he desires, however he’s dressed, and the fridge doesn’t judge, because it’s a fridge. Sure, it might go bad if he leaves everything alone too long, and there’s always the possibility of the rotting moldy green pepper of resentment hiding in the vegetable crisper, but generally, it’ll sustain him. However, you can’t get a hug from a fridge, or do various enjoyable relationship things with a fridge (though I’m sure if you look hard enough someone’s doing a Tumblr of attempting to do just that), and a fridge is just food and a little light that comes on whenever you open the door. There’s a reason LDRs generally don’t work out, and we often remain blind to that. And generally, despite the fridge-iness of the relationship, and that you’d think we’d keep it going forever, we usually screw it up because…

4. We Can Be Clingy

In my opinion, and some of it’s from personal experience, every Scorpio is a Crazy Ex waiting to happen. I have a few ex-boyfriends, some of whom I’m still close to and some of which likely think I’m out of my mind and some of whom I couldn’t care less about. I might’ve mentioned that we have trust issues, some of you might already be aware of that because your Scorpio just won’t leave you the hell alone for a while or not try to read into every little thing you say. This is one of the reasons that LDRs often crash and burn for Scorpios, because we tend to read between the lines in all of those IMs and e-mails and Skype conversations and then we REALLY read between the lines. And that’s when we start to get a little scary. Sure lots of the other signs do this, but we unfortunately seem to have a particular talent at it.

An example: When I was in my early twenties, I was in an LDR with a guy from California, and he “cheated” on me a lot even though we saw each other RL once every year or so. As a result I left him for a guy from Canada who moved in with me for maybe two weeks, and then he left without a word and I didn’t hear from him for maybe six months. This, by the way, is my Crazy Ex story. I spent those six months pining for this guy in increasingly pathetic ways, dissecting every e-mail trying to find clues as to whether or not he was coming back, I even held his things hostage for a while to get him to talk to me (I was still convinced at this point at the relationship was salvageable. Sweet god, what I would give to go back and shake myself out of this…). But the grand finale? I borrowed money from relatives, telling them my electricity was going to be turned off, and instead tracked him down to where he worked and drove to Canada to confront him. This was a nine-hour drive, I might add, and I didn’t have anywhere to sleep. I showed up at his workplace (seriously, I’m cringing right now) and honestly believed this was going to be the turning point.  It was. I was turned down hard and rather justifiably told to get the hell out of Canada and never talk to him again.

In his twenties, a Scorpio will try to justify that behavior. In his thirties, he thanks every god and benevolent power in existence that he wasn’t arrested for stalking. This is kind of an extreme example, but it shows how far off the deep end we can go, especially if you break up with us via e-mail the morning we’re expecting to pick you up from the train station, which leads me into my next point that…

5. Communication Is Important, Even Though We Kind Of Suck At It

There’s a difference between communication and talking, anyone will tell you that, as well as anyone telling you that communication is vital to any relationship. That being said, Scorps are great at talking, especially about nothing. We can talk about nothing for hours on end, and being able to talk about nothing is often one of the requirements we have, and is also one of the reasons that we excel at LDRs, because really, what else is there to talk about?

The problem is that while we’re great at talking and at emotional honesty (which the situation demands it), it’s tough for us to initiate, which kind of goes back to the trust issues. In fact, initiating things in a relationship that aren’t 100% self-centered, well, it’s an issue. A downside to our self-awareness is that while we know ourselves and that we’re great at reading the subtle nuances of your behavior, we often don’t see the glaring issues until they’re hitting us in the face. There are plenty of Scorpios out there who, up until the minute they’re dumped, thought everything was going fine (which does wonders for our trust issues).  Later we can see how we fucked it all up (often when we hit our late twenties or early thirties and emerge from our “self-absorbed asshole” phase), but more often than not, the first week or so brings out the desperate clinging.

But damn, do we know just what to say and just what to do. It’s said that a Scorpio is essentially an eagle forever at war with a serpent, our noble natures constantly being coiled by the urge to snap and bite and pump someone full of the vitriol we’ve been brewing just for them. We’re either awesome or shitty boyfriends, and there’s rarely room left in the middle. When you’re down, we can lift you back up in a way that no other sign can, and you’d be amazed at the shit we’ll do simply out of spite, which leads me into my final point that…

6. We Are a Mess of Contradictions

We’re control-freaks that hate being in charge, we’re manipulators that despise being played, we’re physically affectionate when we’re awake and don’t want anyone touching us when we’re asleep, we’re sexually dominant and voracious… until we have a three week stint where we aren’t interested, we either don’t care or we care a hundred and crazy percent. Scorps are creatures of extremes, and we rarely do things halfway (unless it’s a creative project, then we do a LOT of things halfway), but you’d never know to look at us. When we meet someone, we know in the first 10 minutes whether they’ll be a friend, or if they’ll simply not be a part of our lives. We’re intensely loyal… up to the moment where we’re convinced, for whatever reason that we’ve been screwed over and then that’s over. It makes us complicated and screwed up and experienced and funny and weird and generally able to slide into every social group while at the same time never really make us part of it. For us, a relationship is always filling some hole in our lives until the moment that it isn’t, the person we choose to be with and trust gets to see person under all the contradictions, all the social poses, no matter how scarred or scared we are. For us, love is a home, and trust is letting someone in.


Filed under Commentary, Uncategorized

9 responses to “Vaughn’s Guide to Dating a Scorpio

  1. Lindsay

    I haven’t read commentary so accurate on us scorpios in all my research. Great insight, glad my google search landed me here 🙂 happy to be subscribing!

  2. denisE Russo

    Very true, u nailed me….i have a hard time initiating…article Is totally relatable, eespecially ldr!! Scorp sun w/Aquarius rising/libra venus. And here I thought something was wrong w/me. 😉

  3. Oh my gosh – this is very well put. I am 110% scorpio, and for everything you said I could recognize it in myself. Well done, and well put.

  4. ak

    You are a mysterious bunch…but for some the wait may be worth while,

  5. girlwhosonrisas

    Dating one, and this is absolutely, 100% true.

  6. Kat

    Very very awesome! I’d love to pick your scorpio brain on a few things .. rather fascinating creatures you all are for sure .. thanks for a lil enlightenment to a slightly weary Gemini eager to understand her scorpio/Sagittarius cusp sun .. scorpio Venus interest … I didn’t want your writing to end!

  7. Se

    This was so real and so deep.

  8. I loved it. I need this so badly.

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